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Ya Murwan,
Poetry is making my life like hell these days. I'll tell you why, later in this letter which I think will be rather long and absolutely unruly.
I think that the real legacy of Richard, let me establish this first name intimacy with him, is questions rather than answers. That is what he wanted, otherwise he could have left a suicide note to help us make some sense of his life and death. May be the poor thing was so proud that he didn't deem us (people on the pavement) deserving of that explanation or capable of rectifying the world that he chose to forsake. May be it didn't even occur to him that he could communicate with us. May be his loneliness was too much of a burden for him. I think he was aware of the admiration the people on the pavement have for him, vaguely aware I may add. And because what the people on the pavement admire in him was meaningless to him and vacuous as a substance of life, he must have suffered a feeling of bottomless contempt for all of them.
But if that is true, why did he care to present himself in that regal way? Why did he make himself a paragon to be emulated and glorified? What did he amass all the riches for? May be he was standing on the pavement himself sometime and emulated an older Richard and found himself empty handed at the end and wanted to tell all people on the pavement that nothing is worthy of their while. So let them do without the meat and stop cursing the bread and waiting for the light. This is the dangerous aspect of Mr Cory, let me keep my distance now, and this is what is worrying me about poetry.
And what about the people on the pavement? Why don't they grow up? Why don't they see the essence rather than the appearance.. alone?
But let us have more sympathy with Richard. Let us assume that he had a grand design for the world and a great dream to achieve. One of two things: either he discovered that he didn't have what it takes to achieve what he wanted to achieve or he discovered that the dream itself was not worthy of the effort. He could have settled down for less in the first instance and could have slept again to have another dream in the second! These are the choices which we have made. Does Richard want to confound and disturb? Does he want to taint our self respect? Does he want to say we are cowards?
The questions are endless.. A friend of mine asked me a year ago whether it occurs to me so often that life is meaningless? There was some fear in his eyes which he tried to hide in a wry smile. I said yes it occurs to me so often. But I have learnt how to look at life from certain angles where you can find a wealth of meaning. You are now with me, we have taken this meal, read those essays and talked intelligently about things that are very important to both of us. This is meaningful and it is life. You can look at life from another angle and see yourself as a handful of dust and the whole thing will appear in another light. I believe in taking from life whatever it can offer and I'm ready to leave the train at the next station, but if my ticket allows of further mileage I'll not leave my place for the next man.
And now let me tell you about my experience with another poem. Last month I went to Oxford to visit my friend and former supervisor in the university of Khartoum Rip Bulkely. I and my family spent a wondrous day with Rip and his partner Jane and with Mohamed Omer Bushara and his wife and his children. It was a day out of this world as people say. Rip gave me, together with a copy of my dissertation which I lost years ago, an autographed collection of his own poetry which he published on his 60th birthday anniversary. It is difficult reading as a whole. But there is a poem titled "City of Love" composed 1976 when he was in Khartoum. I have been reading that poem since that visit and couldn't get it out of my system at all. What's more serious about the poem is that I couldn't relate to Bulkley after reading it and the more I read it the more I feel that I cannot relate to him or be his friend again. I know that this might seem weird to you, it sometimes feels weird to me as well, but this is my feeling and I didn't get in touch with Bulkley up to now although that was my first meeting with him in exactly 27 years. I said to myself maybe poetry is no longer for me, may be I don't have the stamina to bear its vicissitudes and violent turns and hydrogen bombs of good and evil. The poem is about Khartoum and it goes like this:
City of Love,
It has always been impossible here to be happy,
Yet happiness washed over walls of evil,
An infinity outside laws of possibility,
And I found my lost self loved and loving,
Closer than sweat in the eye of uncounted uncontested afternoons.
But,
City of mutilations cutting women down to the size of misery,
How could even the whollest sweetest woman,
Bring us to joy while you went on existing?
How could we shut you out of our bedroom
And each pretend her nose was shut
To the smell of your insane castrations?
And, city of sweetmeats where children are fattened but rarely respected,
How was it in you that I achieved our daughters
And tasted their new terrors at my heart?
What youth will you ever smile upon,
Paid city of parents?
City of love travesties, shall I stand in line
With my two ryals on your street of urine?
Or would you prefer me to masturbate a Mercedes
Quietly out to costlier quarters
Where I can use a cleaner version
Of the same uncircumcised Ethiopian commodity?
Flat ugly and dirty city of beauties of eyes and hands and arms
Unbearably reaching out from tobes beyond hope
Where dead desire breaks out like a taste on sandalwood skin,
Do you deny the vacuous visual copulations
Filling your streets the offices the suq?
Yet what else can you do but deny them?
City of hate,
Where some men have to strike the dark scourges of their fear
Against the slackening skins of foreign wives,
Cinema city of sickly grabbing lusts and force in bed,
What a price I must have paid in insensitivity
To have been capable of love in such a city?
Rip Bulkely
March 1976
Can you negotiate me out of my mood?
Khatim
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